"Adventures, I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull...But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have just landed in them, usually...I expect they had a lot of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten."

-Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Would you do it again?

I've been asked this question quite a few times in the last month. At first it was easy to answer 'OF COURSE!' but after the third or fourth time being asked, it was harder to answer because I had thought more about it.

I would have swam the Seven Seas for Alina to come home, and I would do it again in a heartbeat for her. Who wouldn't? Look at this face...

But would I do it again for another child? I'd like to jump right into the 'Of course!' but I hesitate. I feel a connection with Alina that I'd be afraid of not being able to duplicate with another child. It has taken she and I some time to fully bond, and I worry that another child wouldn't take to us so easily.

But when would we be ready? There are a couple kids that I would literally get on an airplane for tomorrow and go get them. Because I've seen them. Touched them. Held them. And because they are so very real to me both in my memory and in my heart, I cannot let go. But again I hesitate. Why?

Money. Isn't it terrible that what turns many away from adoption is money? But sadly, it is. We often will talk about another child, or say things like 'Alina sure needs a sister' but the comments following are always 'well if we had the money....'

Travel. Being away from my family, my home, everything, for another 3-5wks. I worry about how bringing home another child would affect Alina.... when would she be ready? I know the boys would be ok, they both understand and KNOW that if mama leaves, she always comes back. Alina doesn't quite have that down yet, she panics when I leave the room, or if I go out with a friend at night and she's home with Dad and brothers. She's felt a great deal of loss in her life and she hasn't moved past it fully yet, and probably won't for quite some time. We are ok with that, its our job to be here for her and help her.

But would we do it all again? The simple answer is yes. There is no question in my mind that if everything worked out that we would jump at the chance to bring another child home. Every worry, fret about money, every hurry up and wait, every document signed and notarized and apostilled and treated like a gold doubloun and spending a small fortune just to mail them off, every minute away from home, putting your entire future and that of the child you already love in the hands of others.....

Is simply worth it.

1 comment:

Molly said...

Lately, I've just been saying no, really, no, I could not do it again for a child I don't know. Honestly, though, I think it's just too fresh in my mind-- the whole process and the time in Ukraine and then the struggles bonding. I have a feeling that my heart will soften on the matter and we would consider finding a way to adopt again. But, honestly, right now, it seems even more impossible than it did before we adopted. I really admire families who turn around and do it all again, but I am so clearly not there.