"Adventures, I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull...But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have just landed in them, usually...I expect they had a lot of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten."

-Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

That deep dark longing

Anyone who has been pregnant knows it. You feel a little flutter in your belly, and you feel it. You walk down the hallway and randomly wander into the nursery, you feel it. You purchase something new for your baby, you feel it. At every doctors appointment, every question about 'when are you due?', every brush to your growing belly.... you feel it. That deep dark longing to hold your baby. You daydream, you imagine, you long for that very moment you can hold that baby in your arms and feel that longing climb out of your heart into reality.

That same longing is there, waiting for an adopted child. I find myself in her room, arranging her things, packing her bag, trying to decide if she will be comfortable in the dresses and leggings I'm packing, or if I should forgo the tights for jeans, if I REALLY need to pack her a hair clip AND hat to match every outfit. :) Will she like the blanket I found for her? Should I pack her the doll I made her? What will bring her some comfort on our long journey together?

I try not to daydream too much, because I don't want to be disappointed. I know our girl will be scared, she will not fully understand what is happening. Who are these new people? Why are they smiling like fools at me and wringing their hands together resisting the urge to wrap me in their arms and never let go? They seem to love me, but I have no idea who they are.

Many of my worries through this process have been for the boys. I want them to know that no matter how far we travel, they are our priority and that we love them so very much. I know this will be hard for them. They've never been away from us for more than a day or two in their lives, so being away from both of us for two weeks, and from me for a month, will really be hard. My sister will be here with the boys for the first two weeks of our trip. I have no doubt she will do nothing but be the perfect caregiver for them, and they adore her.

Slowly I find myself shifting my worries to our girl. I guess I've tried to push it out of my mind, kind of a 'we will deal with it when we get there' type of thing. I can't do that any longer. I need to prepare myself, prepare both of us, for her being absolutely petrified of us. To have to move slowly, gain her trust, reassure her. The language barrier will be great, even though I'm learning her language. And not fully understanding her special needs until we get her home and properly evaluated will be stressful.

I can only pray that we can open our minds, and be what she needs us to be. That we can be strong for her, for us, and for our boys. Trust that God knows what he's doing, he has all along.

And allow myself to give in to that longing, even for a little while, because in two short weeks we will be there, bringing home our girl.

4 comments:

Allison said...

What a sweet little girl and wonderful thing you are doing for her. I don't know you but think highly of you for bringing this little girl into your wonderful home. God bless and safe travels!

Sarah said...

The love I read in this post brings tears to my eyes. I can't wait for you all to come together and feel like family.....

MommyBoha said...

This is an amazing post!! Im so excited and happy for you guys and cant wait till you have you daughter

IASoupMama said...

You have such amazing instincts that I'm positive that your experience meeting Alina will go well. You are sensitive and intuitive and she will quickly grow to love you, I just know it!!!